shoulda been forgot;;

It's Sunday, I'm always doing school work on sundays.

Today it's a term paper, a take home exam and the rest of my regular design homework. I have one assignment due Tuesday, that I can't find the outline for...it seems to be the least of my worries at the moment.

Lately, I keep thinking about how having an abortion would change my life, not that I need to have one or plan on having one, but I am interested in what kind of person I would be if that situation was to arise. Would I be one of those people who feels ruined? Would I forget all about it a week later? Would I tell the guy? Would I go to the clinic alone or with a friend?

I just keep thinking about it, and wondering whether I would be emotionally destroyed by it, I keep relaying it to that Ben Fold's song Brick; I think if you tell the dude about it, he would be out of there immediately after, which makes no sense; or does it?

If you think about it, that would essentially ruin a relationship, because he knows and you know that together you have the power to ruin each others lives or do something incredibly difficult together. I think for most people, having another person have that much of an impact on the rest of their life is almost too frightening. So I suppose if this ever happened to me I would be kewl if the guy just took off, mainly because I can understand his fear and I think part of what would ruin me, would be my own fear. So then the option of not telling him a damn thing remains, but that leaves me alone, with my fear, which I could never tell him about. So begins the string of secrets and lies, eventually causing the relationship to implode.

Martin and I had an enormous fight a couple weeks ago, where I wanted to make sure this didn't go in the direction of jervayous and he said I was boring. A sidewalk. Which I am now laughing about, and we're still continuing with this little relationship we have going. He just didn't know me and I wasn't really letting him in, just because I committed to something didn't neccessarily mean I had dropped my defenses; which I can recognize now as a personal fault. Things have been good since this row, which lasted upwards of 4 and a half hours.

He doesn't believe in love though, which may become a problem in the future, if there is a future, I don't know if I can see myself loving him; but then again it's hard for me to see myself loving anyone after jervay. I still think about the way things were and have come to fully accept that stuff will never be the same as it was with him, I can never go back to being 15. Growing up with someone and loving them while you're both growing, is something that can't really be recreated after a certain point. I still think Martin should try to look at love, less in the soulmate kind of way and more in the way of " I love you right now, for everything you are", the way you love your closest friends and people you met ages ago that still occupy the best wishes and hopes and dreams sector of your brain love space.

Love shouldn't be creepy it should be sweet and cuddly and neccessary to human advancement; at least that's how I see it.

I'm thinking about getting a new tattoo, with words and the words I'm thinking of are either:

We're all lying in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars- Oscar Wilde

or

On a clear day, you can see forever.