three times a lady;;

Stuff has been really good and I've been pretty busy, living with Martin. We still have our own places and stuff, but he had stayed over for almost a month, going home only to grab things. Home being in the same building so it's really not that much of a treck, but it's been fun.

I think it's helped us get closer, not because we do everything together, but because we do nothing together, sometimes i'll do my thing, he'll do his and we'll be in the same room and not feel like we necessarily have to talk to one another.

Holidays are coming up and I'm going to Europe with my fam jam and 25, 15 year old boys....how did i get roped into that? I don't know.

News of that to come.

=D

sweet darlin'

sweet darlin'

I almost feel like just smoking in my room, although I know that a) the smoke detector will go off and b) that my roomates and I will be bothered by the smoke smell.

I'm fairly intoxicated, but I haven't had time or mind energy to write a blog in a while, things have been going so well. Martin and I worked out our problems and everything has been wonderful since, my parents met him and love him....so everything is swell. My university is even on strike so i get a break from work...which believe me is nice since I've been losing weight due to homework stress...too much work no time to eat dinner.

if i only knew your name, i'd go from door to door;;

I realize it is not sunday, so my weekly post is coming a day early.

I feel that although very little actual work was completed this week, a lot has happened this week. I thought for sure that Martin and I were calling it quits, but we had a chat and he really opened up and expressed some of the feelings I previously thought he was a little to immature to express; this had a drastic effect on the way I view Martin and things seem to be going in the right direction now.

We went to a halloween party yesterday and had so much fun together, despite the fact that my nemesis was there, and being creepy and trying to tell me that she misses me and needs me... Martin was fantastic, just being with him, dancing, singing along with the band that was playing, meeting random new people...he was amazing. Seeing him in a new environment is always exciting. Any person changes depending on what setting they are placed in, and he always seems to be so different depending on where he is. He is always very pleased to be with me, which is something I appreciate, as it was definetely missing in my last relationship. Martin just seems to always have something up his sleeve, he knows what to do in awkward social situations. He handled the nemesis thing really well and was super sweet about the whole thing, he said " Shouldn't your nemesis be in competition with you?" which I didn't really understand until he explained further, "Shouldn't she be at least close to attractive and smart as you?"...

That was probably an un-necessary swoonfest of a post, but sometimes swooning is necessary.

shoulda been forgot;;

It's Sunday, I'm always doing school work on sundays.

Today it's a term paper, a take home exam and the rest of my regular design homework. I have one assignment due Tuesday, that I can't find the outline for...it seems to be the least of my worries at the moment.

Lately, I keep thinking about how having an abortion would change my life, not that I need to have one or plan on having one, but I am interested in what kind of person I would be if that situation was to arise. Would I be one of those people who feels ruined? Would I forget all about it a week later? Would I tell the guy? Would I go to the clinic alone or with a friend?

I just keep thinking about it, and wondering whether I would be emotionally destroyed by it, I keep relaying it to that Ben Fold's song Brick; I think if you tell the dude about it, he would be out of there immediately after, which makes no sense; or does it?

If you think about it, that would essentially ruin a relationship, because he knows and you know that together you have the power to ruin each others lives or do something incredibly difficult together. I think for most people, having another person have that much of an impact on the rest of their life is almost too frightening. So I suppose if this ever happened to me I would be kewl if the guy just took off, mainly because I can understand his fear and I think part of what would ruin me, would be my own fear. So then the option of not telling him a damn thing remains, but that leaves me alone, with my fear, which I could never tell him about. So begins the string of secrets and lies, eventually causing the relationship to implode.

Martin and I had an enormous fight a couple weeks ago, where I wanted to make sure this didn't go in the direction of jervayous and he said I was boring. A sidewalk. Which I am now laughing about, and we're still continuing with this little relationship we have going. He just didn't know me and I wasn't really letting him in, just because I committed to something didn't neccessarily mean I had dropped my defenses; which I can recognize now as a personal fault. Things have been good since this row, which lasted upwards of 4 and a half hours.

He doesn't believe in love though, which may become a problem in the future, if there is a future, I don't know if I can see myself loving him; but then again it's hard for me to see myself loving anyone after jervay. I still think about the way things were and have come to fully accept that stuff will never be the same as it was with him, I can never go back to being 15. Growing up with someone and loving them while you're both growing, is something that can't really be recreated after a certain point. I still think Martin should try to look at love, less in the soulmate kind of way and more in the way of " I love you right now, for everything you are", the way you love your closest friends and people you met ages ago that still occupy the best wishes and hopes and dreams sector of your brain love space.

Love shouldn't be creepy it should be sweet and cuddly and neccessary to human advancement; at least that's how I see it.

I'm thinking about getting a new tattoo, with words and the words I'm thinking of are either:

We're all lying in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars- Oscar Wilde

or

On a clear day, you can see forever.

being bored is really such a chore;;

I am faced with some serious dissatisfaction in terms of general routine and life becoming even more monotonous than before. As if my life was not already so much of a routine, now my relationship is becoming a reoccuring pattern of blah...Martin seems to have this one week I'm going to be an inattentive, selfish loser and the next week I'll step it up so you don't leave.

It's going to become a jervay situation, I can tell and then I'm going to go completely nuts again...I'm going to try to keep my shit together and plausibly talk to martin about his behaviour; I can't put my energy into making him happy if he's not going to reciprocate...I mean even Turbo is better at that.

nobody knows which street to take;;

Today was hectic; I thought that I was ahead of the game and had all my work finished.

I got all jazzed up and went to class a little early, only to arrive and realize that the cover to a pamphlet that I am designing was due to be mounted and all the process to be handed it; so I raced back to mine and mounted that shit and bound the process and got back to class half an hour after the class started. My prof didn't even notice, but after that I had mega long day with other classes; including handing in another huge project I've been working on for a month, and doing a presentation for a tutorial group. After which I listened to bitching about how some dumbasses didn't apply early enough to skip out on lame ass courses at Sheridan. Then I went and grabbed some food with Martin and his friends and well that didn't exactly lighten my mood because he was acting all weird and not very affectionate. I'm a very affectionate person and he usually is, so behaviour like this bothers me.

Tonight I've decided that since it will probably be one of the last nice nights out, I'm going to go adventuring...hopefully climb some buildings, maybe venture into a forest...I don't know, but it better be awesome. I'm in one of those hangout outside, drinking a bottle of wine and smoking a pack of cigarettes over a good conversation kind of moods. Hopefully it will turn out.

I also voted for the first time tonight, I could have voted before, but I just never bothered because I don't know jack-shit about politics and would likely have voted for the Bloc in the off chance that they win because of my one vote and seperate from Canada...I think this would be funny even though I am well aware that it would fuck up the entire country. I voted for the green party, because we all need a little enviro saving energy, especially in North America...we suck!

I'm about to get dressed up like a tool and go climb so buildings so bon nuit!

the shape of my heart;;

This week has been rather jovial; an all around good time.

I got to spend tons of time with my favorite male friend, Martin, I almost forgot what I had decided his intraweb safe name would be. It was really lovely, we went on an adventure to get groceries and made out in a sketchy dollar store, went to a really stupid party, and spent alot of time sleeping in until late afternoon. He's really easy to be with for extended periods of time, he doesn't need to talk all the time, and when he does talk it's always funny or interesting.

On a less awesome, but not necessarily negative note; my boss has decided that I should learn html and become a triple threat. I doubt that I will have time to do so, but I can always give it a shot while im at work.

I found the perfect box for my robot halloween costume and I'm think of wearing silly knee pads and old hockey elbow protectors all painted silver.

been thinking about you;;

I visited my parents this weekend, which is always a good time. I finished this papercastle I was created from paperkraft; read: Howl's Moving Castle. The wings actually move!!!

Upon returning to mine, I decided that I would curl my hair since the boy, we'll call him Martin from now on, seems to like it so much. I missed him slightly, this past weekend, haven't really spent a lot of time with him since Tuesday. I sometimes wonder if my pub-going ways bother him, however, there is no point investing any emotion into someone who isn't at all interested in accepting your routine quirks and behaviours. Let's just hope everything works out for the best, I'm thinking it may be time to share some of my more secret life experiences with him.

I keep having phantom fears about him being exactly like an ex-lover, who constantly had me back and forth between the you're wonderfuls and the I hate you's. I can't let such a phantom fear deter me from moving forward with my life; otherwise I'd be in a rut forever. And I'd rather not do what I did this past year, the extreme rotation dating, where I went on almost 30 first dates with rarely ever a second. Dating is an awful way to get to know someone, it's better if you just sort of hangout all the time, the word 'date' puts so much pressure on both people to make the best first impression which is usually only one very well behaved facet of a person and never all the interesting bits.

In terms of the paper castle, I will put pictures up here as soon as I figure out how to get pictures off my phone; this new phone, makes no sense to me at all, it's like a small child, it beeps and I have to guess what it wants...well small children don't beep, but you get the idea.

I read the postsecrets today, as I do every Sunday, and there were a couple really cute french ones, there was this one, from a 17 year old saying how she is in love and wants to marry the boy she is with right now. I got some giggles from that one, I was that girl a couple years ago and looking back on it now, I can only laugh at how ridiculous I am; no matter how long you've been dating before the working and the school and the friends and the commitments start how can you ever really know someone enough to want to marry them?

futuristic fantasy;;

On my way to work today, music-less, as my mp3 player is currently out of commission, I began to think about how far I've come and how far I have to go. It doesn't seem that there is a set destination; I'm sure there are many people who are completely fine with not knowing where they intend to end up, but thoughts like these constantly plague me with uncertainty.
The kind of life I have led, thus far, has been so plagued with inconsistence, and uncertainty that I try to avoid it as much as possible.

I keep thinking where will my studies take me, there must be something better for me to do with my education than work for some assembly line, design churn-out business. My friends, do they know me? Have I taken the time to know them? Do I take the time to take care of them? Recently, to complicate things further, I have found a plausible companion; which raises even more questions about what I'm going to do with myself and how I'm supposed to conduct myself.

I feel like I've grown up to fast and now I'm in some weird way digressing back to the state of a child. I'm standing on the bus looking like an adult and feeling like I'm a lost child.

I keep falling and I tire of picking myself up, I feel sort of like staying on the ground and admiring the scenery.