nice dreams;;

I keep having these bizarre dreams where there is someone or a group of people trying to kill someone I know but am not very close friends with and throughout the entire dream, I'm trying to stop the killer from killing my acquaintance...it's bizarre...what does it mean?

back home

For  a good portion of every year, I live by myself away from where I grew up, not that far away, but I live in the city and my parents live in the suburbs.  I moved back into their house for the three remaining months of summer, because I signed a new lease that starts in September.  I regret not making some sort of arrangement with my landlord to move in immediately.  

I hate being home, it just reminds me of all the stupid things that happened in high school and all the assholes I know who still live there.  It feels cramped, like I've grown out of it, like the space is just too small...and it's slowly killing me.

three times a lady;;

Stuff has been really good and I've been pretty busy, living with Martin. We still have our own places and stuff, but he had stayed over for almost a month, going home only to grab things. Home being in the same building so it's really not that much of a treck, but it's been fun.

I think it's helped us get closer, not because we do everything together, but because we do nothing together, sometimes i'll do my thing, he'll do his and we'll be in the same room and not feel like we necessarily have to talk to one another.

Holidays are coming up and I'm going to Europe with my fam jam and 25, 15 year old boys....how did i get roped into that? I don't know.

News of that to come.

=D

sweet darlin'

sweet darlin'

I almost feel like just smoking in my room, although I know that a) the smoke detector will go off and b) that my roomates and I will be bothered by the smoke smell.

I'm fairly intoxicated, but I haven't had time or mind energy to write a blog in a while, things have been going so well. Martin and I worked out our problems and everything has been wonderful since, my parents met him and love him....so everything is swell. My university is even on strike so i get a break from work...which believe me is nice since I've been losing weight due to homework stress...too much work no time to eat dinner.

if i only knew your name, i'd go from door to door;;

I realize it is not sunday, so my weekly post is coming a day early.

I feel that although very little actual work was completed this week, a lot has happened this week. I thought for sure that Martin and I were calling it quits, but we had a chat and he really opened up and expressed some of the feelings I previously thought he was a little to immature to express; this had a drastic effect on the way I view Martin and things seem to be going in the right direction now.

We went to a halloween party yesterday and had so much fun together, despite the fact that my nemesis was there, and being creepy and trying to tell me that she misses me and needs me... Martin was fantastic, just being with him, dancing, singing along with the band that was playing, meeting random new people...he was amazing. Seeing him in a new environment is always exciting. Any person changes depending on what setting they are placed in, and he always seems to be so different depending on where he is. He is always very pleased to be with me, which is something I appreciate, as it was definetely missing in my last relationship. Martin just seems to always have something up his sleeve, he knows what to do in awkward social situations. He handled the nemesis thing really well and was super sweet about the whole thing, he said " Shouldn't your nemesis be in competition with you?" which I didn't really understand until he explained further, "Shouldn't she be at least close to attractive and smart as you?"...

That was probably an un-necessary swoonfest of a post, but sometimes swooning is necessary.

shoulda been forgot;;

It's Sunday, I'm always doing school work on sundays.

Today it's a term paper, a take home exam and the rest of my regular design homework. I have one assignment due Tuesday, that I can't find the outline for...it seems to be the least of my worries at the moment.

Lately, I keep thinking about how having an abortion would change my life, not that I need to have one or plan on having one, but I am interested in what kind of person I would be if that situation was to arise. Would I be one of those people who feels ruined? Would I forget all about it a week later? Would I tell the guy? Would I go to the clinic alone or with a friend?

I just keep thinking about it, and wondering whether I would be emotionally destroyed by it, I keep relaying it to that Ben Fold's song Brick; I think if you tell the dude about it, he would be out of there immediately after, which makes no sense; or does it?

If you think about it, that would essentially ruin a relationship, because he knows and you know that together you have the power to ruin each others lives or do something incredibly difficult together. I think for most people, having another person have that much of an impact on the rest of their life is almost too frightening. So I suppose if this ever happened to me I would be kewl if the guy just took off, mainly because I can understand his fear and I think part of what would ruin me, would be my own fear. So then the option of not telling him a damn thing remains, but that leaves me alone, with my fear, which I could never tell him about. So begins the string of secrets and lies, eventually causing the relationship to implode.

Martin and I had an enormous fight a couple weeks ago, where I wanted to make sure this didn't go in the direction of jervayous and he said I was boring. A sidewalk. Which I am now laughing about, and we're still continuing with this little relationship we have going. He just didn't know me and I wasn't really letting him in, just because I committed to something didn't neccessarily mean I had dropped my defenses; which I can recognize now as a personal fault. Things have been good since this row, which lasted upwards of 4 and a half hours.

He doesn't believe in love though, which may become a problem in the future, if there is a future, I don't know if I can see myself loving him; but then again it's hard for me to see myself loving anyone after jervay. I still think about the way things were and have come to fully accept that stuff will never be the same as it was with him, I can never go back to being 15. Growing up with someone and loving them while you're both growing, is something that can't really be recreated after a certain point. I still think Martin should try to look at love, less in the soulmate kind of way and more in the way of " I love you right now, for everything you are", the way you love your closest friends and people you met ages ago that still occupy the best wishes and hopes and dreams sector of your brain love space.

Love shouldn't be creepy it should be sweet and cuddly and neccessary to human advancement; at least that's how I see it.

I'm thinking about getting a new tattoo, with words and the words I'm thinking of are either:

We're all lying in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars- Oscar Wilde

or

On a clear day, you can see forever.

being bored is really such a chore;;

I am faced with some serious dissatisfaction in terms of general routine and life becoming even more monotonous than before. As if my life was not already so much of a routine, now my relationship is becoming a reoccuring pattern of blah...Martin seems to have this one week I'm going to be an inattentive, selfish loser and the next week I'll step it up so you don't leave.

It's going to become a jervay situation, I can tell and then I'm going to go completely nuts again...I'm going to try to keep my shit together and plausibly talk to martin about his behaviour; I can't put my energy into making him happy if he's not going to reciprocate...I mean even Turbo is better at that.